The Hook is a real bellman at a busy hotel in Niagara Falls. He will take us behind the scenes regularly with tales of some of the millions of visitors to the city. The stories are true. He couldn’t possibly make this stuff up.
THE HOOK/Special to Bullet News
Okay, so recently it was pretty quiet around my neck of the hospitality woods, to say the least.
And you know what? An empty hotel is like an empty stomach; there’s plenty of grumbling to be heard. My fellow employees didn’t keep their feeling hidden today. No, their comments were clear and direct. Here are some of my favorites:
“I got out of bed for this? I could be drinking right now!” (It was 7:15 a.m., by the way!)
“This place is deader than a Steve Guttenberg convention!”
“I think all these bankers are actually Kardashian cousins!”
Please, someone shoot me.”
Yes, for some of my fellow working-class dogs the day started out quiet and it stayed that way. As for me, I had over two hundred bankers approach my desk and store their bags.
Most of them were decent and jovial. Some were hung-over and bitter. Some were concerned about getting home to their families – and money. And some were stymied by that most difficult of queries…
“HOW MANY BAGS WOULD YOU LIKE TO STORE?”
FYI: a coat counts as an item, so if you have two bags and a coat, you have three items. I honestly can’t believe how many bankers froze up when faced with this question. Their responses inspired this early-morning comment:
“There is nothing more pathetic than a banker who can’t add. Except maybe an impotent porn star.”
Not one of my best, but considering it was early and I was cold and still wet from the walk to work, not bad! I know many of you are hoping for some juicy dish on the bankers (oh my God I sound like Joan Rivers!), but as luck would have it, they were with us for only one day and I spent that day with the wife at home!
But if it makes you feel better, she needled me as always…
However, I did have a run-in or two with the bankers as they were leaving.
NOT JAMES BOND: (Panting) I’m with the bankers’ group and I need to store my bags.
THE HOOK: You’re about two hours behind, sir. You slept in, I take it?
NOT JAMES BOND: Yeah, uh, sort of. I was in my own room, though!
THE HOOK: (Chuckling) I believe you, sir, but I’m not the one you’re going to have to convince, right?
NOT JAMES BOND: Well, I’m single, she’s not! I mean, I’m engaged, but…
It never ceases to amaze me how much information people will share with perfect strangers, who have blogs.
THE HOOK: Enough said, sir! Here are your tags. You can get off to the conference – and practice your story.
He laughed. He didn’t tip, but he laughed. Our next banker was equally late, and equally inept at subterfuge.
DEFINITELY NOT JAMES BOND: The hotel doesn’t track this, right? I mean, they won’t tell my boss I left the room two hours later than I was supposed to, right?
You gotta love it.
The Hook’s first book (Yes, rhyming is awesome!) is available for the Kindle or in print at amazon.com or amazon.ca. You’ll also find it at Pulp Comics, 4413 Queen St., Niagara Falls. Its a great read, even if you’re sober.